i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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