well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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