I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
