The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
