I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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