I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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