Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
