Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need a beard to bite.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
