I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
