two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
