I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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