if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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