That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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