i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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