At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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