I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Randomize