i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
