I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
