wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
