So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
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You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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