the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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