I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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