im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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