3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
