why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
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They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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