ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
