The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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