I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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