I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
