There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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