you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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