I'm so fucking centered right now
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
