I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
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