there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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