I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
