so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
