We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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