My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
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Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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