new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
