Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just invented taco cereal.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
