So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
