just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
