I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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