It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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