Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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