we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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