I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
