I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
