Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
