Having a random hookup so left but love u
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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