4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
