You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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