If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
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Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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