i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
