Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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