i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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