I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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