we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
