i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It was confusing and full of hummus
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
