just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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