Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
